20 april 2020
My Two Thoughts on Today
Today we celebrate Easter, here in Eastern Europe. We’re mostly orthodox Christians, in Romania. And the topic got to me, again. Perhaps because we can’t get out that much now. Perhaps because people can’t go to their church. Perhaps because I believe spirituality is our way out of this.
When I was little, the communist party in Romania had quite a solid attitude towards the church – they weren’t supposed to split control over the people. This is probably why my father was very strongly declaring himself as being an atheist. He was also a party member. It helped, in that time. Even though, later on in ’89, he went out on the streets and fought himself against the oppressive regime.
So, when I was little, I remember that going to the church was something that only my mother and us, children, were doing. Even more, I remember the tension at home, after coming back from church. It was obviously something done without my father’s support. I can’t recall a connection with God back then – it was mostly the rituals and the energy around them – that we were participating even if this wasn’t approved by dad, the strongest figure in our family.
Years later, when my parents divorced, my father had a very strong shift on this topic. His life changed drastically. The emotional shock and everything happening around got him to visit priests, monasteries, read religious books and so on. So the energy in our house on the topic also changed. He told us that, from now on, we believe. We go to church. Every Sunday. And each day, at lunch, we say the prayer “Our father”.
I remember that one night, I even dreamed of Jesus. I remember him going in front of our garden, with his feet above the ground. He was smiling and levitating. He was there. Protecting me and giving me all of his love and guidance. I was about 10 or 11 years old when I had this dream. And that sensation stayed with me for a while.
Going to church was nice, sometimes, because we were often going upstairs, next to the choir. Even now I can sing some of the typical songs – very melodic and all. The ritual in and of itself, especially for grown-ups, was about something different though. And that I started figuring out with each Sunday, and each year passing.
It was more about the clothes being worn. It was more about “Did you see that neighbor?” “Do you know what that family did?” It was more about “look how much they donated to the church”, now let’s publicly praise them in front of the others. In front of the ones that don’t have that much or don’t feel like giving that much.
Each day, at lunchtime, even if we had tension going on in the family – and unfortunately, that was the norm back then – we kept on saying that prayer. Sometimes, we weren’t looking in each other’s eyes at all. We were all looking down. Barely hearing the voice of the child saying the prayer (we were 3 children, and each of us had to say the prayer in a certain day, by rotation, together with other domestic duties).
So during adolescence, my hatred toward that prayer, “Our Father”, and toward what the church meant increased more and more. I was disgusted by it all. And of course, the association went towards God. I was no longer a believer. It was all crap.
Maybe my painting classes at school were also involved in this – now as I look back at it. Our painting teacher once gave us a task – to use the wood painting technique and illustrate a traditional wooden icon. I created one that the teacher liked so much that he took it and used it as a model to showcase all other pupils on how to make this assignment.
After this, my father considered this ability of mine as something that is absolutely mandatory to develop. Therefore, several icons continued to be created, at home. It was something imposed and, at all times, extrinsically rewarded or punished. If I was finishing something, it was shown to all people visiting our home. If I wasn’t, it was about how I am slow or how I can’t finish something that I started. I still have one dusted unfinished wooden icon in that apartment I grew up in. And the one you see here, next to this text, is the peak of that era.
So, most probably, this also contributed to me breaking up with the God I thought I knew when I was about 10 or 11 years old. Right after my parent’s separation, when study and prayer were my only shelters. And around 17, I was no longer a believer. I thought that it was all absolute crap.
I was, at first, in my rebellion, considering myself an atheist. And then, later on, during university, an agnostic. I mean, the logical thing to do in life, especially as an urban intellectual in their twenties, was just to be an agnostic, right? And it seemed for me that the decision was made. If you were to mention anything related to God, I’d just be laughing contemptuously. Like, you’re not serious, right? Just don’t you dare to take me there and to convert me back into a believer!
In the second half of that decade, things changed a lot. Inside and out. Several times. Both reversibly and irreversibly. Later on, that feeling of living several lives in one got more real and intense. And, in the meantime, something shifted inside. Now I can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps, I don’t even want to. In the end, all these things I am mentioning here are so very intimate. Spirituality is something extremely intimate. Dogma isn’t, though.
And this is why I am writing this today. My two cents on this topic. Probably, some thousand years ago, this guy we now call Jesus – he was honest with himself. He was noble and kind. He was, oh, such a hippie. He was probably meditating half the day with those friends of his. Doing Bowen or Reiki or both and freaking out all of the unconscious skeptics around him. He probably just had some big Kombucha shroom and this is how all that wine multiplication legend ended up being written by those who didn’t know what Kombucha is. Jokes aside, he was just an elevated, high vibrational open spirit, that knew that we are all one and spoke out about that. That didn’t fear the price he would pay if he would do that. And then, he was publically mocked and tortured for it in the public square. And then, he was crucified for it. Would people do the same thing, in the name of Christianity, in the Spanish inquisition days? Yes, dare me to say that. And even more so.
Dogma messes people up. Mass control through dogma messes people up. This topic is overwhelmingly complex for me. I am not a historian nor an anthropologist. But I can just assume that whatever gets converted into message used for mass control usage – either that being called a scripture or not – is not spirituality. This is what we are actually talking about today.
There was this one day in my twenties when things shifted. I can put my finger on it, maybe. But it is still fresh and so very intimate for me, that I am still struggling with it. I know now that we are not just blood and bones. And we are not just the dogma we were told to believe in when we were little. Or to reject. But much more than that. When we all have masks on our faces and can only see our eyes, we also know that. Heard these days something like – the opposite of fear is not just „love”. It is trust. So, when we look at each other with those masks on, that cover our faces. And we can only talk with our eyes. Do those eyes speak fear? Or do they speak trust?
We need to trust God on this one. This will all make sense. Eventually. Evolutionary, even. In the long term. Us being mass challenged like this will one day make sense. Because everything happens for a reason. Always. Even if it seems not to make sense. Sometimes. We need to trust God on this one.
Our energetical vibration will influence how this whole thing will imprint on humanity. This statement would have been absurd a few decades back. But nowadays, science backs spirituality up. You can’t say everything is exclusively evolutionary or exclusively theist. Our energy field is proven to be something real, that each of us and all of us together have. Our vibrational level is something that influences consciousness, awareness and even wellbeing. Everything is interconnected. The survival no longer belongs to the physically fittest. But to the holistically fittest. It is crazy to be writing about this, and this is why it is so important to do it.
You know, in my twenties, when I started feeling serendipity, without even knowing what that word means. When I started opening up to the universe and divinity, all over again, there was also this book involved, among others. It was called “Conversations with God”. A new age pop American best selling author, not the most exquisite of readings. But, at that precise point in my life (the book is the reader, so it just was the perfect instrument for reflecting outside what was already occurring within at a much subtler level), this book did the magic. It got me to see stuff differently. And to regain faith.
And then, I did something with it. I converted it into my dogma. This is extremely difficult to talk about, for me. It is such a delicate topic. I remember, in one pre-break-up fight, screaming out loud that I hate that book. I made it my dogma. I didn’t filter just what was fit for me, out of it. I needed so much that long lost faith, that I went too far with it. It took me some years, and perhaps even now, I am still struggling with finding a balance between believer and nonbeliever, in some days.
But when I lose it, I do open my eyes and try my best not to try too much – so that I get into sync with myself all over again. And with my view upon divinity. And I feel it. And I see that I am protected and well taken care of. When I am in sync with myself and no other signs are needed to get me back on my path. And that even self-love involves trusting this universe, all together. And making sense of it. I no longer feel that visceral disgust towards whatever „orthodox” means. It doesn’t manifest itself so strong anymore now. I rather feel like, man, if it works as a spirituality tool for some people, it is fine. Whatever.
And this is why it is so important what we are celebrating today in Eastern Europe. Easter, you know? We are celebrating this guy, that dared to do his thing, to trust his life’s mission. And to talk about it. Even if he was punished to death for it. Even if, years later, people messed the core of this whole message up and converted it into dogma. We need to not do that same error with our spirituality today.
I think we are so blessed to be living days when our non-dogmatic spiritual leaders are not being sanctioned and called heretics. They have the freedom of speech and means of transmitting their message. And we have so many of them, in all shapes and styles and colors. This is what is important. To trust it. All of it. Finding our way through. Every one of us, in our intimate relationship with divinity. To make a pick and then change our mind and then make another pick – and to be glad that our true connection with divinity doesn’t include any public ritual or any kind of baptism, whatsoever. To be glad that we can experiment with spirituality. As long as we do that, we can’t lose ourselves. And when we lose ourselves, that is no longer spirituality.
That guy we now call Jesus, just as others, knew it all.
And when you go out and see some eyes above those masks, you know. See them.
Did you know that eyes can also smile?
9 april 2020
What is „your thing?”
Think about it. But not too much.
You’re in the current situation of having so little access to and real connection with Mother Earth these days. We’re all in it, now. All of us, humans. Mother Nature is still out there, you know. Blossoming, singing, being.
You’re in the current situation of having so much screen time these days, right? Too much. All of us, now. This is how we connect, or at least try to. So use your next minutes to think about Mother Earth a little bit. Watch „The Together Story” video and then just shut down the device and think about everything that is going on right now on this planet.
And then a little bit more. Think about how she is so well without us outside now. Us doing „our thing”. What is „our thing”? Really. Think about that.
But don’t let it put you down. Rather, let it raise you. Think those thoughts, and then get out of them. See them from the outside and convert them into acts. Once you can get out of your house.
When you will go to vote. Or when you will go to speak up for your community. Or when you’re just going to take your trash out of the house. What is „your thing”? Does it have anything to do with Mother Nature? Does it have anything to do with your true nature?